Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
