he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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