U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
