I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My ass is underappreciated
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
