I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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