Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
