I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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