1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
