my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
