I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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