3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
