I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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