The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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