The beer is more important than you right now.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
