my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
