We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
