In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
