i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
