So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
