im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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