Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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