so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
