It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
