And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
