That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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