I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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