Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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