Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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