Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
