Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
