remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
