I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
