the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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