Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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