someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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