Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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