i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
