Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
