obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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