So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
