Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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