if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
