It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
