Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
