I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
