Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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