Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
