The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
