She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
