Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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